The Anatomy of Repair
Why and how saying "I'm sorry" often just doesn't cut the mustard and what else you can do.
I’ve had this phrase, “the anatomy of repair”, knocking around in my mind for some time now. When I went to see who and what I’d be plagiarizing by using this as a title for this post, I was surprised to see a) no books or articles under that title, and b) all references to physiology of healing damaged tissue. Brilliant! I can use this title; and all the references to physiology make perfect sense. The principles of psychosocial health and physical health are shown to align once again.
Disconnection = damage.
Realignment + proximity + time = healing.
As with the body, so with our relationships.
John Bowlby, author of attachment theory, first coined the term Rupture-Repair Theory in 1958. Rupture in relationship occurs at moments of disconnection - often a misunderstanding a disagreement, or a lack of attunement in an important relationship.
Unpacking “I’m sorry”:
We do something, someone gets hurt physically or emotionally or both, they express their pain, and we express our remorse and desire for forgiveness with the words “I’m sorry”.
If this is reflective of the extent of your education on making amends, that’s normal and typical. My aim is not to completely dismantle that practice.
But I would like to unpack it a little bit.
Let’s boil it down again: When someone is saying they’re sorry, the person who feels to be at fault has identified themselves or has been identified by someone else, they’ve assumed the role of apologizer, remorse is being expressed, hopefully the apology is heard by the person in pain, forgiveness is provided by the person in pain and received by inflictor of pain, and we all move on.
What if the intention of the inflictor of pain was not vengeful or meant to harm in any way? In this case, “I’m sorry” is a reflex but what are we apologizing for? We likely wish the person wasn’t in pain, but without talking about how that pain came about -how one can trust that any learning or understanding is happening for the people involved? This is a betrayal of the apologizer’s truth - which may or may not even be known consciously by the apologizer themselves at this stage - and I’m sure the person in pain can detect that.
And/or what if there’s more to the picture in terms of damage incurred that’s not immediately visible or understood by the perpetrator of harm? In this case, the apology is ill- or under-informed and again we have to ask: Apologetic how, and for what?
I’m sure you can think of other dynamics beyond these two cases where a quick, reluctant, or even well-timed “I’m sorry” simply doesn’t cut it.
Because it’s so easily experienced as forced or flippant, and scripted.
How many times have you seen a child begrudgingly apologize as a result of much pressure and prodding from an adult, say “I’m sorry” with a pout and without eye contact, and stomp off on their own - clearly feeling misunderstood, maligned, and overpowered? Now we have two people in pain. The process is quick enough and it seems to satisfy the adults, but it’s transactional and honestly - how does it help?
What is the meaning of the exchange? Is a lesson being learned? Is the person in pain reassured that this won’t happen again in this way? Does everyone have insight into their role in the conflict and the impact?
If not, we run the risk of perpetuating the annoying yet highly popular habit of “apologizing” (read: expressing pity) for the hurt person’s feelings (eg. “I’m sorry you feel this way” or “I’m sorry you feel sad”). No - this problem isn’t that I feel sad, the problem is whatever behaviour you did that cued this emotion. And now there’s a second problem: that you’re apologizing for the wrong thing and seemingly rendering my emotions the issue.
There is another way.
Enter: Accountability
I’m big on accountability. For me, it’s a huge ingredient sloshing about in the golden grail of moving through conflict in relationships. When we can move away from blaming others, begin to see our role in relationship rupture, and own it - we recognize our agency, we take responsibility, we open up to learning our lessons, and this is empowering for change. Responsibility and capacity to change are reassuring to all involved and contributes to the re-building of trust.
And when we trust, we let ourselves be closer again.
And closeness (proximity) is required for healing and for maintaining the health.
In physical health talking about damage (aka rupture) to tissue: Imagine a wound and the gap in the tissue diminishing, fluids exchanged, cells fusing/knitting (I’m not a doctor, but something like that) - the tissue repairs.
Primary Healing:
Occurs when the wound edges are close together, resulting in minimal scar tissue formation.1
In relational health: Imagine people talking with each other, reflecting on the experience of the relationship injury, sharing their truths, hearing each other, acknowledging the validity of each other’s experience (aka validating each other), feeling seen, feeling understood, understanding the impact on the other, taking accountability for their role in the experience - the relationship repairs.
Remorse is an emotion
If you feel sorry, then go ahead and express it. But if you don’t feel sorry, there’s still a tonne you can do to investigate an event that was painful for at least one party, learn about the impact of your actions, share your truth, hear their truth, see your role in the conflict, and work to re-establish trust and connection. That’s making a repair.
Recommendations for further reading:
Lindsay Braman is a mental health illustrator who lives in Kansas City. She does a fabulous job of rendering complex and/or sensitive topics more accessible via soft, fun friendly drawings. Her piece titled “Rupture and Repair: The key to attachment in healthy relationships” summarizes much of what I just wrote in a colourful one-pager: https://lindsaybraman.com/shop/rupture-repair/
Dan Siegel’s book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain (2014) is a book written for parents of teens and, he hopes, for teens themselves, to learn about the neurobiology of adolescence and what can be done relationally to support teens through their years. There’s a great section in here that normalizes rupture, promotes reflective conversation, and guides parents through how to make repairs with, and model the process for, their teen-aged children.
Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, National University of Singapore. Healing and Repair. https://medicine.nus.edu.sg/pathweb/pathology-demystified/healing-and-repair/#:~:text=Whenever%20tissue%20is%20injured%2C%20the,is%20known%20as%20healing/repair.